Don't walk behind me. It gives me the creeps. Don't walk beside me, for you are not my equal. Walk in front of me, so I can push you down the stairs.

Girls all learned this in first grade ... guys suck.

There are easier things in life than finding a good man...nailing jell-o to a tree, for instance.

In a world full of cheerios ... be a fruit loop.

If the average person is confused 45% of the time, that makes me above average, right?

Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier.

I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

There is a very fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. ~ Oscar Levant

I'm not nuts, I'm the condiments. I've been promoted.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and runaway. He hates that.

There are two types of mints you never turn down in life: breath mints and compliments. Either way, someone is trying to tell you something.

You know what they say, it's not the size of the car, it's the fact that the seats go back. ~ Party of Five

Yes. You know what? Just to make things simpler, from now on you should consider everything to be your fault, okay? ~ Roswell

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person. ~ P.J. O'Rourke

There are 3 kinds of people: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what just happened.

Is there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs. ~ Miss Piggy

I have learned that the dashing knight who was supposed to sweep me off my feet has apparently found Sleeping Beauty when I’m just Snow White.

I have e-mail, a cell phone, a pager, 3 phone lines, an answering and fax machine … if I haven’t called you back, chances are I don’t want to talk to you.

Just because I'm moody doesn't mean you're not irritating.

If life was like a giant VCR, our lives would be a lot of video tape. And we could just fast forward past the really bad stuff, and rewind the really good stuff. Except, with my luck, I’d probably lose the remote … and get stuck at like, cheerleader day in the cafeteria.

The one who doesn't know anything but knows that he doesn't know anything knows more than the one who doesn't know anything and doesn't know he doesn't know anything.

I don’t understand. 7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It doesn’t close for anything. Not holidays, not wars … nothing. Yet there are locks on the door.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.

When you knock your head against a vase and it sounds empty, don't automatically assume the vase is empty.

My parents aren't Milton Bradley, I didn't come with dice, so don't play me like a game.

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

Honesty is the best policy, insanity is a better defense.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Any time someone keeps getting on your case about something, just say, “ I am not Burger King, Federal Express, or the Library of Congress. I don’t do it your way, I don’t deliver overnight, and I don’t know everything!”
If you look around and see a fierce heffalump looking down at you, sometimes you forget what you were going to say. ~ Winnie The Pooh

If you feel a little awkward visiting a friend without a special reason, tell them you’ve come to wish them a very happy Thursday. ~ Winnie The Pooh

Spelling isn’t everything. There are days when spelling Tuesday simply doesn’t count.

It’s a beautiful morning. The birds are singing, the leaves are … doing whatever leaves do. ~ Bulworth

That’s between you, me and Fred, the invisible dancing monkey.

Here’s my philosophy on dating. It’s important to have somebody that can make you laugh, somebody you can trust, somebody that … you know … turns you on. And it’s really really important that these three people don’t know each other. ~ One Tree Hill

You know Hobbes, some days even wearing my lucky rocket ship underwear doesn’t help. ~ Calvin and Hobbes