To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

It's pretty funny how when you're trying to get over someone and then you see him again and it's like you're hit in the face with how gay he is and you just wanna throw up for ever liking him, but you can't take any of that back - all you can do is hope that he is suddenly attacked by a large animal.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, stalk them.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll be glad to do it for you.

A bird may love a fish, but where would they live? ~ Ever After

I prefer to describe my profession as that of a contemporary anthropological interactive observer, because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides … “stalker” is such an ugly word. And it’s not stalking unless you hide.

Optimists say the glass is half full. Pessimists say the glass is half empty. I just think we should pour it out on the table and make a mess!

I have a perfect brain, just like new. Still in original container and never been used.

Everyone has the power to make others happy; some do it by entering the room, others by leaving it.

In a world of pollution, profanity, adolescence, zits, broccoli, racism, ozone depletion, sexism, stupid guys and PMS, why do people still tell me to have a nice day?

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Penguins mate for life. That doesn’t surprise me much because they all look alike. It’s not like they’re gonna meet a new, great looking penguin someday.

I try to take just one day at a time ... but lately, several days have attacked me at once.

I can picture a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture attacking that world because they’d never expect it.

I’ll always love you; I just don’t really like you anymore.

They keep saying the right person will come along. I think mine got hit by a truck.

I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you. ~ Armageddon

Valentine's day is only in existence to pour lemon juice on the paper cut hearts of the unattached.

Mr. Right is coming. But he's in Africa... and he's walking.

They say goldfish have no memory. I guess their lives are much like mine. The little plastic castle is a surprise every time. It's hard to say if they are happy. But they don't seem much to mind.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can’t.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.” ~ Charlie Brown

Listen, if there's ever anything I can do for you -- or, more to the point, to you -- let me know, okay?

I am not weird ... I'm just interesting, and you’re just jealous!

Just because I understand, don't think I care.

Cry me a river and drown in it!

You stink so bad you made Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, but I'm everyone's favorite color!

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

Okay -- I've had it with real life, give me my fairy godmother, my prince, and my happily ever after endings.

Men are stupid. If you forget, they will remind you.

I never forget a face. But in your case, I can make an exception.