Ducks have flat feet to stamp out forest fires. Elephants have flat feet to stamp out flaming ducks.

I don't do drugs, because my idea of fun is not sitting in a corner analyzing string. ~ Home Improvement

If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius.

I have the right to say what I please; you have the right not to listen.

Some day my ship will come in … with my luck, I’ll be at the airport.

All ya gotta do is act like an idiot and everyone will leave you alone!

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmboy. ~ Jack Handey

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.

Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them.

So I decided to have some applesauce. It's my comfort food. Only I couldn’t open it, and thought, "A boy needs to open this for me." Then I got really mad and tugged really hard, and it opened.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

The brain is a wonderful organ: it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.

Maybe we all start out smart. Then we discover boys, and end up as stupid as they are.

Relationships are very simple. There are only two things that can happen. You either get married or your break up.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot. Then I sit in the car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

She fed me this crap about me not listening to her enough or something, I don't know ... I wasn't really paying attention. ~ Dumb and Dumber

Be alert ... this world needs more lerts.

Be nice to nerds, chances are you'll end up working for them.

Why be annoying, when with a little bit of effort, you can be completely impossible? ~ Carsten Dahlgaard

Living in an all-glass house has its disadvantages, but seeing the birds smack it makes it all worthwhile.

Don't “accidentally” throw a chicken leg at someone you don't like, you'll look stupid. Do it on purpose.

I feel like an idiot. But I am an idiot, so it kinda works out.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward.

Girls are like apples on a tree. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think that there is something wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing. That is why they just have to be a little patient and the right boy, the one who takes a chance to find the good, right apple will come someday ... how about them apples?